This is a new article series I want to do called “5 Reasons 2 Hate.” I was watching this article's topic and I realized so much I disliked about it that I figured I would type a complete, negative focused article about it. Then I thought I would make a regularly based feature about stuff like this. Is it completely biased? Yes. Will I point out anything I liked? No. These are just the shit I couldn't stand so these are more like rants so don't take them too seriously. And if you like these topics, then go fuck yourself. Ha ha, just kidding, everyone has the right to their opinion.
No, seriously, go fuck yourself.
1. Does this movie even know what kind of movie it is?
I had a really hard time trying to figure out what this movie was supposed to be. It changes so frequently that it ruins any consistency and just fucks my mind with questions that are left unanswered. It starts out as kind of a wheelman movie in which our star, Ryan Gosling, helps criminals get away from crime scenes using his very advanced driving skills. Simple enough. Kind of an escape/caper film I absorb at first. But then we get into the character's life in the movie and his very unsocial and somewhat awkward. I'm led to believe that he has a crush on his neighbor, played be Carey Mulligan, and a liking to her son. But the scenes in which they are “talking” just involves still shots of Ryan Gosling saying one word sentences, holding the camera on him as he stares blankly like a fucking idiot, then back to Mulligan for her, at least what appears to be, unknown feelings towards him. So we went from escape/caper to independent film romance? It goes on like this for awhile until Gosling accompanies Mulligan's husband, played be Oscar Issac, that gets killed in a double cross. The rest of the film then turns into a type of revenge movie. I mean, I'm not really interested in Gosling's BLAND ASS FUCKING CHARACTER enough to even give a shit about who is dying and why things are happening. The movie changes so often that I lose any interest before I can even gain any. Drive has no sense of identity and it gives the impression that even the director didn't know what he wanted to focus on. Pretty amateur.
2. Anyone could have been “Driver.”
Though I do not like Ryan Gosling, he did not do a bad or good job in this movie. I mean, the main character, named Driver, is so bland and says practically NOTHING in the entire fucking film. This leads me to believe that ANY ACTOR could have played Driver. Driver is full of nothing but one liners and, what feels like 100 MILLION SCENES OF BLANK STARES. Seriously, he just stars and says five word sentences the whole movie. You could literally put any actor in this movie as Driver and get the same result. Just be very boring and don't say anything. Oh, and stare at people as if you've never seen them before. Fucking retarded. So how much money did Gosling take for this film? Honestly, the budget was about $15,000,000; I'm figuring most of it went to Gosling and Bryan Cranston for being in this piece of shit. The character Driver is dull, in my opinion, and the fact that Ryan Gosling played him doesn't make it special. There was no feeling of “only Gosling could do that role.”
3. Not enough Ron Perlman.
One thing that made this film exciting for me was the fact that Ron Perlman is in it. But that feeling of happiness is shortly lived because he has a total of like 10 minutes screen time. FUCK! Ron Perlman playing a gangster and you can only give me 10 god damn FUCKING minutes of it?! His character in the movie was the catalyst for ALL THE CONFLICT AND HE IS BARELY IN THE FILM! This is just an EPIC FAIL on its own. I demand MORE RON PERLMAN!
4. Dumbest criminal EVER.
Albert Brooks plays the head criminal/bad guy in this film. And did they make him the STUPIDEST criminal EVER. A perfect example is at the end of the film. He meets Driver in private with NO HIRED GOONS. He tells Driver that he will have to watch his back for the rest of his life. WHY?! Driver is a big enough idiot to come BY HIMSELF with NO GUNS. Just have somebody waiting with a fucking sniper rifle or a bunch of guys just come in with Uzis and obliterate the prick. WHY TELL HIM HE HAS TO WATCH HIS BACK FOR THE REST OF HIS LIFE? JUST FUCKING KILL HIM THERE! WHAT KIND OF GANGSTER/CRIMINAL/BOSS GUY ARE YOU? Rule number one for being the head honcho: HIRE FOOT SOLDIERS AND GIVE THEM FUCKING GUNS! Oh, but then we would have the ending where he tries to kill the Driver WITH A FUCKING KNIFE! Seriously, one of the most insulting and idiotic criminals I have ever seen on film.
5. Unnecessary violence.
If this movie had a saving grace, it was the atmosphere. Very dark, mysterious and somewhat emotional. Which is thrown out the fucking window when you scenes of Driver STEPPING ON A GUY'S FACE SO MUCH THAT HIS HEAD BREAKS APART! What the FUCK?! Lets take our mysterious caper/wheelman/revenge or whatever the fuck it is, and add Tarentino type violence! Movie, do you even know how fucking RIDICULOUS you are?! I mean, for half the film everything is very character based, I'm trying to identify and relate to these people in the movie, and then out of nowhere, chick gets half her face blown off by a shotgun. OUT OF NOWHERE. Is this supposed to be for some shock value or something? The over the top violence in this film is in bad taste and very, VERY tacky. It was so unnecessary that it killed any hope for me to even enjoy this film. I mean, there's a part in the movie where Driver throws down a guy after breaking his hand with a hammer, holds a bullet in one hand and the hammer in the other giving the idea that he's going to hit the bullet so hard, that it will shoot the guy. ARE FUCKING KIDDING ME?! That's NOT GOING TO WORK. Fuck this movie in its goat ass. Don't even get me started on where Albert Brooks and Ron Perlman start stabbing some dude's throat with fucking utensils. "Good meeting fellow criminal, let us feast on this puny mortal's flesh now!"
I think the thing that bothers me about this movie is not only the 5 Reasons above, but the fact that people fucking love this movie and are crazy about it. Well, I don't see it.