5 Reasons 2 Hate: Drive

This is a new article series I want to do called “5 Reasons 2 Hate.” I was watching this article's topic and I realized so much I disliked about it that I figured I would type a complete, negative focused article about it. Then I thought I would make a regularly based feature about stuff like this. Is it completely biased? Yes. Will I point out anything I liked? No. These are just the shit I couldn't stand so these are more like rants so don't take them too seriously. And if you like these topics, then go fuck yourself. Ha ha, just kidding, everyone has the right to their opinion.

No, seriously, go fuck yourself.

=)

Drive

1. Does this movie even know what kind of movie it is?

I had a really hard time trying to figure out what this movie was supposed to be. It changes so frequently that it ruins any consistency and just fucks my mind with questions that are left unanswered. It starts out as kind of a wheelman movie in which our star, Ryan Gosling, helps criminals get away from crime scenes using his very advanced driving skills. Simple enough. Kind of an escape/caper film I absorb at first. But then we get into the character's life in the movie and his very unsocial and somewhat awkward. I'm led to believe that he has a crush on his neighbor, played be Carey Mulligan, and a liking to her son. But the scenes in which they are “talking” just involves still shots of Ryan Gosling saying one word sentences, holding the camera on him as he stares blankly like a fucking idiot, then back to Mulligan for her, at least what appears to be, unknown feelings towards him. So we went from escape/caper to independent film romance? It goes on like this for awhile until Gosling accompanies Mulligan's husband, played be Oscar Issac, that gets killed in a double cross. The rest of the film then turns into a type of revenge movie. I mean, I'm not really interested in Gosling's BLAND ASS FUCKING CHARACTER enough to even give a shit about who is dying and why things are happening. The movie changes so often that I lose any interest before I can even gain any. Drive has no sense of identity and it gives the impression that even the director didn't know what he wanted to focus on. Pretty amateur.

2. Anyone could have been “Driver.”

Though I do not like Ryan Gosling, he did not do a bad or good job in this movie. I mean, the main character, named Driver, is so bland and says practically NOTHING in the entire fucking film. This leads me to believe that ANY ACTOR could have played Driver. Driver is full of nothing but one liners and, what feels like 100 MILLION SCENES OF BLANK STARES. Seriously, he just stars and says five word sentences the whole movie. You could literally put any actor in this movie as Driver and get the same result. Just be very boring and don't say anything. Oh, and stare at people as if you've never seen them before. Fucking retarded. So how much money did Gosling take for this film? Honestly, the budget was about $15,000,000; I'm figuring most of it went to Gosling and Bryan Cranston for being in this piece of shit. The character Driver is dull, in my opinion, and the fact that Ryan Gosling played him doesn't make it special. There was no feeling of “only Gosling could do that role.”

3. Not enough Ron Perlman.

One thing that made this film exciting for me was the fact that Ron Perlman is in it. But that feeling of happiness is shortly lived because he has a total of like 10 minutes screen time. FUCK! Ron Perlman playing a gangster and you can only give me 10 god damn FUCKING minutes of it?! His character in the movie was the catalyst for ALL THE CONFLICT AND HE IS BARELY IN THE FILM! This is just an EPIC FAIL on its own. I demand MORE RON PERLMAN!

4. Dumbest criminal EVER.

Albert Brooks plays the head criminal/bad guy in this film. And did they make him the STUPIDEST criminal EVER. A perfect example is at the end of the film. He meets Driver in private with NO HIRED GOONS. He tells Driver that he will have to watch his back for the rest of his life. WHY?! Driver is a big enough idiot to come BY HIMSELF with NO GUNS. Just have somebody waiting with a fucking sniper rifle or a bunch of guys just come in with Uzis and obliterate the prick. WHY TELL HIM HE HAS TO WATCH HIS BACK FOR THE REST OF HIS LIFE? JUST FUCKING KILL HIM THERE! WHAT KIND OF GANGSTER/CRIMINAL/BOSS GUY ARE YOU? Rule number one for being the head honcho: HIRE FOOT SOLDIERS AND GIVE THEM FUCKING GUNS! Oh, but then we would have the ending where he tries to kill the Driver WITH A FUCKING KNIFE! Seriously, one of the most insulting and idiotic criminals I have ever seen on film.

5. Unnecessary violence.

If this movie had a saving grace, it was the atmosphere. Very dark, mysterious and somewhat emotional. Which is thrown out the fucking window when you scenes of Driver STEPPING ON A GUY'S FACE SO MUCH THAT HIS HEAD BREAKS APART! What the FUCK?! Lets take our mysterious caper/wheelman/revenge or whatever the fuck it is, and add Tarentino type violence! Movie, do you even know how fucking RIDICULOUS you are?! I mean, for half the film everything is very character based, I'm trying to identify and relate to these people in the movie, and then out of nowhere, chick gets half her face blown off by a shotgun. OUT OF NOWHERE. Is this supposed to be for some shock value or something? The over the top violence in this film is in bad taste and very, VERY tacky. It was so unnecessary that it killed any hope for me to even enjoy this film. I mean, there's a part in the movie where Driver throws down a guy after breaking his hand with a hammer, holds a bullet in one hand and the hammer in the other giving the idea that he's going to hit the bullet so hard, that it will shoot the guy. ARE FUCKING KIDDING ME?! That's NOT GOING TO WORK. Fuck this movie in its goat ass. Don't even get me started on where Albert Brooks and Ron Perlman start stabbing some dude's throat with fucking utensils. "Good meeting fellow criminal, let us feast on this puny mortal's flesh now!"

I think the thing that bothers me about this movie is not only the 5 Reasons above, but the fact that people fucking love this movie and are crazy about it. Well, I don't see it.

BTYB: Vanilla Porter

BTYB: San Miguel

NOTE: Apparently, pilsen is another word for pilsner, which is a pale lager.

Geek Juice Radio: Episode 16

Episode 16 is now available to download/listen.  Click the link below to download/listen and remember you can always listen to Geek Juice Radio at http://www.jackaloperadio.com

Episode 16 - Click to Download/Listen
Discussions about Beer and Brazzers sponsoring someone in the FGC. Featuring Tom Badguy, Alex Jowski, Kevin Daley and special guest, Adam "Scorpius" Jones.

BTYB: Kronenbourg 1664

BTYB: "33" Export

BTYB or "Bring Tom Your Beer" is a new VLog series I'm going to try. I hope you all enjoy it!

Geek Juice Radio: Episode 15

Episode 15 is now available to download/listen.  Click the link below to download/listen and remember you can always listen to Geek Juice Radio at http://www.jackaloperadio.com

Episode 15- Click to Download/Listen
Discussions about Indiana Jones and The Kingdom of the Crystal Skull and Michael Bay's Ninja Turtles. Featuring Tom Badguy, Alex Jowski, Charley McMullen, and Josh Hadley.

Geek Juice Radio: Episode 14

Totally forgot to post this last week:

Episode 14 - Click to download/listen
Discussions about various adaptations and licensed products of movies and games.  Featuring: Alex Jowski, Tom Badguy, Kevin Daley and Charley McMullen.

Mass Effect 3: The Ending

Lets open with usual introduction. IF YOU HAVEN'T BEATEN OR PLAYED MASS EFFECT 3, THEN DO NOT READ THIS!!! If you haven't played Mass Effect, then you won't know what I'm talking about and I'm not going to take the time to explain most things, you will just have to play the games. Warning: Spoilers, blah, blah. Now that this is out of the way, lets me go over and give my personal thoughts on the epic piece of shit known as the ending of ME3.

Quick background: In ME3 you are building a device called The Crucible, which is a device everyone thinks will destroy the Reapers. You find out that the final piece, The Catalyst, is actually The Citadel. On a side note, I felt it was really fucking obvious that The Citadel was the the final piece. I mean, just look at the shape of The Crucible and then The Citadel. Obvious one fits into the other. Shepard has to make it to the Citadel by coming back to Earth and fighting his way there. So you go through some REALLY ANNOYING BATTLES; including the one where you fight like, 5 Banshees(I fucking hate these damn things, and according to everyone else I talked to, nobody has the slightest liking for them). Shepard limps his way to the beam and gets transported to The Citadel.

The Crucible; the device you spend the whole game building

Shepard arrives at the main console, you get the last epic dialogue from the Illusive Man(who I just fucking shot using the Renegade Trigger). The day seems one when you are contacted by Admiral Hackett that The Crucible isn't doing anything. Shepard passes out from his wounds and is then taken up by the platform in which he crashes on, to a room in The Citadel. There here encounters a young boy calling himself The Catalyst. Shepard inquires if he can destroy the Reapers and the Catalyst says he can not eliminate what he created. He explains that the height of any cycle in the galaxy is harvested into the Reapers and don't reappear until less intelligent or uncivilized planets develop, in which the process will repeat. Shepard isn't satisfied but he is given three choices. He can either destroy all synthetics in the galaxy, which include Reapers, the Geth and himself, since he is part synthetic due to his resurrection in ME2. He can fulfill the Illusive Man's plan to control all synthetics; which would make Shepard god, basically. Or the third option in which Shepard sacrifices his life to synthesize both organics and synthetics into a super being which is ultimately the final evolution of the galaxy.

Left, control the Reapers, right, destroy the Reapers, straight, synthesize

Now, this isn't what bothered me. I like how the universe is in your hands and you, the player, gets to decide what is to happen in the galaxy. Personally, I chose the synthesis. I didn't like the idea of wiping the Geth out of existence because I just spent time in the game to bring peace to them and the Quarians. I didn't like the control option, because even if the Reapers were doing terrible things, no one has the right to control an entire race and do what they want with it. That reminded me too much slavery. So I chose to synthesize the two. So Shepard leaps into a giant beam, and I assumed he died, the Crucible lights up in to green energy, the Reapers leave Earth, the Mass Relays start to blow up, then we cut to Joker trying to outrun the blast. A flash of light and we cut to the Normandy and we see that it has crash landed on a planet. Joker and EDI step out, look into the horizon and smile. Then....credits? I'm scratching my head at this point but I wait for the credits to end thinking there will be something after it. There is. A small scene with a man walking with a child in snowy setting at night. The child asks, “did that really happen?” And the adult, named Star Gazer, replies with something like, “Yes, but it was really long time ago.” We end this scene with the child asking for another story about “The Shepard.” That's it.

Stargazer and the child

I heard about the uproar for the ending of this game well before I beat it(I stayed away from spoilers). I think my number one issue is the lack of CLOSURE that I felt at the end. What the fuck is the point of having an ending you choose from if you can't witness or read about the aftermath of the decision? All I'm left with is that the Normandy made it out ok and that all the Mass Effect games were just stories some random old man was telling to his fucking kid. WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED? I chose the synthesis ending; are all the beings in the galaxy now one whole super being? Because, Joker and EDI looked the fuckin' same to me. After I beat the game, I went on YouTube to see the other endings. What's the difference? The Crucible's energy is a different color and different people walk out of the Normandy. NOTHING FUCKING CHANGED. I also heard that there is an ending with Shepard alive or some shit like that, but guess what, WHETHER HE LIVED OR DIED DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER. That's because the game is just ending with the fuckin' old man telling stories! It doesn't fuckin matter what decision you made, if Shepard lived or died, nothing. No closure is given to the choice you make. I guess you're left to fuckin' speculate with your friends or some horseshit like that – NO! BAD GAME! BAD!!

Another thing that got to me was the Catalyst child making this huge deal between organics and synthetics. I THOUGHT THE GAME WAS ABOUT DEFEATING THE REAPERS AND SAVING THE GALAXY, LIKE ANY OTHER GOOD SCI-FI STORY!!! But no, the sub-plot between organic and synthetics, which I only pay attention to when regarding the Quarians and the Geth, because you know, THEY WERE IN A FUCKING WAR WITH EACH OTHER, is supposedly the core of these games. This was a shock to me. AND WHAT THE FUCK IS THE POINT OF THIS THEN?! In ME3, Shepard proved that he can unite and entire galaxy INCLUDING forging peace between the Quarians and the Geth(you know, FUCKING ORGANICS AND SYNTHETICS), so why the flying FUCK would no one think that he can forge peace at the end of this fucking game?! THIS DOESN'T MAKE SENSE!!

The Catalyst child; there is no face so he can't be found and killed by angry ME fans

I guess the rage over the ending of this game is so bad, that an alternate ending is being made as future DLC. I'm on the fence about this. On one hand, I like that the company that made this game is taking in the fan reactions and making a change to it because we, the fans, fucking demand it. But at the same time, I feel it's kind of weak to not stand by your final product. So, I don't know. If the ending is going to change, they need to start where Shepard is brought up to the Catalyst child and just change everything. Oh, and that DLC, BETTER BE FUCKING FREE. I'm not going to pay 600 Microsoft Points to replace a shit ending. YOU HEAR ME, MOTHER FUCKERS? MAKE THAT SHIT FREE!!

To sum up my feelings regarding the ending to these games, I literally asked myself why I played them. Three games just to find out that the events happened a long time ago and when I get to the end, I can't see the resolution to a decision that CHANGES THE FUCKING UNIVERSE. Apart from the ending, ME3 is an awesome game. I really enjoyed it, just not the last 10 minutes of it. I mean, this game could be like a 9 out of 10 or perhaps a candidate for game of the year, but just 10 minutes of it throws that shit out the window.