Tuesday, February 5, 2013

5 Reasons 2 Hate: Nintendo

I want to make something crystal fucking clear before I get into this. I hate all the current gen consoles. Xbox 360, PS3. the Wii, and the Wii-U. I never got the feeling I got from say the SNES or PS1. Please keep that in mind before you start sending the hate mail. But above all, I hate Nintendo the most. And I know I have some online buddies that are super, die hard Nintendo fans, which is fine. I'm just left with the eternal sting that is the betrayal of Nintendo.

1. It just ain't what it used to be.

Nintendo was the shit in my childhood. To get this out of the way, Nintendo was always far superior to SEGA. Remember the Super Nintendo? That thing blew my god damn mind. The game selection was so large and they were so many good games for that console. Nintendo was always the top dog with anything that had to do with console video games. Then it faded away. When the N64 and the PS1 came out, I then started to see something I never saw before. The PS1 was making real games. The wave of the future was PlayStation. For the first time in my life, I liked a console more than a Nintendo console. “Why is that?” I thought. Then the Gamecube came out. An insufficient console. Insufficient game selection. Nintendo died the day the Gamecube came out. What the fuck was so special about this thing? It was behind everything else. Aside from Metroid, no other game was worth getting. This is where you start seeing the changes. More off line multi-player games start becoming popular for Nintendo, like Smash Bros, Mario Party, etc. Then remakes of other games like Resident Evil. Then classic like Legend of Zelda has some cel-shaded look that is unappealing. I don't recall one sole, original title, made just for the Gamecube that would be considered “one of the greatest games ever.” It's all party games and remakes of other games THAT I ALREADY FUCKING PLAYED ON BETTER CONSOLES for kids. THEN the Wii came out and everything died. Nintendo used to mean something back in the day: the setting bar for console gaming. Now, it's just a hipster tool used to appeal children and families. They are not leading in anything. They are far behind. They can't compete any more so they have to make gimmicks for their consoles in order to appear fresh and interesting. And how people get sucked into this shit EVERY TIME THEY RELEASE A NEW FUCKING CRAPPY CUNT CONSOLE, is beyond me. News flash people: Super Metroid for the SNES is better than Other M. The Legend of Zelda: A Link to the Past for the SNES is better than Twilight Princess and Windwaker. Super Mario Bros. 3 for the NES is better than Mario 64, Mario Sunshine, Mario Galaxy; pretty much ANY MARIO GAME AFTER SUPER MARIO WORLD. Which leads me to my next point...

2. New Nintendo classics are just terrible.

There are game staples in Nintendo's history. Mario, Metroid and Zelda. Allow me a moment to give some praise: Metroid Prime, awesome. Zelda 64, awesome. Ok, now that that is out of the way, lets take a look at how some of the most classic characters in video game history are being ruined. First off, these stupid, absolutely SOULLESS “New” Super Mario Bros games. I'm assuming they were trying to captured the NES days of Mario and think that by making an identical game, people will think it's good. Nope. It's just something quickly thrown together to make money. Nothing in it is dynamically original. Nothing in it brings back the thrill of playing, say, Super Mario Bros 3. It is a poor attempt to appease fans that like this version of Mario. So, you can pretty much chalk these butt fuck titles up as just MORE remakes that Nintendo does. Mario 64, awful. Fucking seriously, I don't know why anyone thought this was a good game. It's just a bunch of crap crammed together. Mixed with shitty camera angles, it's just a random mess. Super Mario Sunshine, crap. This game IS NOT a Mario game. Do you know what it is? It's one of those games that has Mario placed along with a theme. Mario walks around with a hose cleaning shit. Mario the janitor. Yeah. Remember that awesome power from the old Mario games? The ability to clean stuff. Wow. I would bring up something about Mario Galaxy but at this point, I'm so sick of watching the continued anal rape of the most popular video game icon that I will just move on to the next one. The Legend of Zelda. What the fuck is going with this shit? When Zelda 64 came out, I loved it. But EVERY SINGLE FUCKING ZELDA GAME THAT HAS COME OUT ON CONSOLE AFTER IT IS THE SAME DAMN THING! They REFUSE to let go of the fucking Z-targeting system. It's the same damn game but with a different skin over it. And WHY after a release like Zelda 64 in all its 3D glory, did they do the cel-shadding crap in the Windwaker games? Talk about one step forward, two steps back. I mean, do the fans care about this? Do they care that they're playing the same reused game over and over and over again? How about something new? Something innovative? Are Nintendo fans just happy playing reskinned games and remakes of other games? Adding a fucking water hose to Mario is not creative, IT'S LAZY. IT'S A GIMMIK. ATTENTION NINTENDO FANS: YOU'RE CLASSIC NINTENDO STAPLES HAVE NO SPIRIT AND ARE BEING MURDERED BEFORE YOUR EYES BECAUSE THEY ARE JUST PUSHED OUT SO YOU BUY THEM AND GIVE THE CREATORS MONEY.

3. Nintendo focuses on a specific fan base.

Lets face it. Nintendo is made for a youthful generation and for families. That is their target audience. Other consoles try to appeal to everyone but Nintendo focuses on the idea of the family. It's advertised that way, it's promoted that way, it's sold that way. Which isn't really a knock considering more than money grubbing brilliance. Remember when you were a kid and you got an SNES or NES for the first time? Back when you were new to video games? You didn't know shit about them. You had to go based on what commercials or magazines told you. There was no internet to manipulate your opinions. You were left to your own devices for the most part. That's what every new generation is like. They don't know(especially about the past). But since they have to coordinate with their parents who come from a generation where video games aren't a big deal, they look towards the best thing for their kids. Enter Nintendo. So now that these kids have the console their parents thought were good for them. Now include the use of internet and the kids are looking up Nintendo games because that's the console they have. The new generation is programmed to like Nintendo because their parents don't know any better(or, most likely, just don't fucking care, which is fine). Nintendo appeals to the unknowing parents that bestow this to their kids. Therefore, Nintendo still makes money and still remains popular. Like I said, brilliant...but bull shit at the same time because most think that because of this, it makes Nintendo something amazing. Nintendo doesn't focus on cutting edge graphics, super in depth game play; none of the stuff you find everywhere else. It doesn't care about taking risks to be innovative. No, what they do is gimmick their shit to appeal to children. I mean, slapping a screen on a controller is fucking retarded. WHY WOULD I BUY A CONSOLE FOR MY TV AND THEN HAVE TO LOOK AT A SMALLER SCREEN TO PLAY IT?! It's not a wave of the future, it's a crap excuse to sell more shit and make more money. And they can do that because new generations don't know any better and they exploit it. You know, some people have said that they view the Xbox as kind of the “suits” of video games. Fuck that. Give that to Nintendo. Their entire strategy is business and making money. But it is disguised with the fun frollicky feeling of sunshine and lolly pops for unsuspecting children; a wolf in sheep's clothing. So Nintendo does not strive because their consoles and games are good, they strive because they target the right demographic that makes them the most money. Now, you could be asking yourself, “But I'm not part of a new generation. I've always liked Nintendo. What about me?” Well, some of you fall into the next topic...

4. Nintendo's cult like fan base.

There are people out there that will come to your house and murder you and your entire family for putting down Nintendo. Seriously, it's becoming creepy. I've met very few Nintendo fans that have accepted Nintendo's fault. Saying that the Wii-U is a dumb console is like nailing Jesus back on the cross to these people. They fall into a weird fan base that reminds me of Final Fantasy or Apple folks. You know who I'm talking about. The people that say a Final Fantasy game is good because they are so in love with it, any game that is slapped with FF is automatically godlike and can never be bad(real talk, there are people that think Final Fantasy XIII is the best FF game). These people REFUSE to acknowledge anything less than perfection. It's the same thing with a lot of Nintendo fans. Because Nintendo made it, it's good. No. That doesn't mean jack shit. Nintendo is some blinding white light to them. I think some times they just make up stuff only to hype themselves. For example, I was watching a Lets Play of some Nintendoland(I think) and the guy playing it was talking about how awesome the graphics were compared to the Wii. I saw NO FUCKING DIFFERENCE AT ALL. IT LOOKS THE FUCKING SAME. I guess some of these people need to make up imaginary hype because they feel if they put Nintendo down then they're putting themselves down. It's ridiculous. I mean, be real for fuck's sake. I see it all over Twitter every day. “I'm sick of all this Nintendo hating BS!” Ninfans(guess what, that's what you're called now) fight tooth and nail to try and convince the world that Nintendo is superior. It's not. In fact, lets be fair; no gaming today is. It's all in a downward spiral if you ask me. But I digress. I believe that no one should be die hard loyal to a brand. It clouds your judgment. Be open with everything you play THEN decide. And I am aware that there are people like this with pretty much anything ever created, but Nintendo fanboys fight a losing battle. THE CONSOLE WAR IS OVER. NINTENDO BEAT SEGA. MOVE ON WITH YOUR LIFE. I think any legitimate gamer would acknowledge that Nintendo is NOT the best and that they would choose another console over it hands down. And I don't want to hear some whiny bull shit about “taste” or “it's my type of stuff.” If you really like Nintendo, then that's fine. If you think that Nintendo is the best, was the best(which I will allow because it WAS) and always will be the best, then you need a reality check. Or you're a child, and in that case, it's not your fault.

5. Nintendo's console ideas.

I'm going to exclude the N64 and the Gamecube on this. I played the N64 enough as a kid to acknowledge that I liked it, because some of the games were good. Got nothing against it. With Gamecube, it wasn't really the console's fault(I actually didn't mind it) it was more or less the games that I disagree with. But the Wii and Wii-U. The most gimmick fucked things ever invented(I keep using the word gimmick because I do not want you to forget). The Wii was about motion. Who the fuck cares? The motion wasn't all that great. You move your arm around. Wow. An idea like this would be better suited as an add on, like what Sony and Microsoft did. But to base the ENTIRE CONSOLE around it is just ridiculous. Instead of focusing on the technology that is built into the console they just made some cheap sideshow the main attraction. And you people bought into hook, line and sinker. Lets break down this “motion gaming” for a second. Are we really in the age where motion gaming can be used to its full extent? No. It is far off. But when that time comes, when we get some sort of super motion sensor that lets you play a game like Metal Gear Solid and physically move with your feet, duck for cover, do fucking flips and shit, all without any glitching or issues, we are all going to look back at the Wii and realize how fucking stupid it is. Look, my idea of innovation isn't using a laser pointer and waving my arm around. NOR IS IT USING A TABLET TO PLAY FUCKING GAMES ON MY TV. Which leads us to the Wii-U. The latest Nintendo gimmick. -sigh- And you all jumped on it. You all think it is the greatest thing ever. Why buy a console to play on your TV when you can play it on your controller? Why have the console at all? Just get a damn tablet. WHAT THE FUCK IS THE BIG DEAL?! I love how Microsoft came out with Smart Glass. Yes, it is in its first stages and it isn't that great(it's pretty much a remote right now), but they basically took the idea Nintendo spent all their money on and made it a FREE app for a tablet or mobile device. In fact, Microsoft shouldn't even have to continue progressing Smart Glass. Just the threat of their ability to make an app like that shows the world that the idea of the Wii-U is nothing more than a simple idea that can be done with ease. So enjoy another 5 years of play Wii Sports with your tablet, controller thingy. Yeah, you just threw hundreds of dollars away to pretty much do the same thing. Nintendo sells its consoles like a parent holding shiny keys above their infant child. It looks pretty, but in reality, they're just a bunch of grimy keys. But apparently if you strap a fucking monitor to it, it's the best fucking keys ever! Nintendo is dead to me.


  1. I agree with a lot of your complaints about Nintendo. The "NEW" series is absolutely soulless, plays like crap, and is generally too easy.

    While I don't think Nintendo should get out of the console business altogether, I do wish they would focus solely on handhelds. I've never been disappointed with Nintendo handhelds, and the DS is, arguably, the greatest handheld ever. Sure, we wouldn't be able to play Mario on the television again, but... haven't we all already done that a million times anyway? There will still be the old games.

    I was a staunch Wii supporter in the first couple of years, but after the convoluted mess that was Smash Bros Brawl came out, I lost interest for the most part (Donkey Kong Country Returns is awesome and let no one tell you otherwise).

    It's sad to watch Nintendo struggle to define themselves these days. The Wii U is a system that doesn't have a market. The 3DS is selling really well, yet they're still losing money off of it.

    Also, I love the Gamecube. It had games like Animal Crossing, Harvest Moon: Magical Melody, Luigi's Mansion, Double Dash, Cubivore, Alien Hominid, Metroid Prime 1+2, Paper Mario 2... my third favorite Nintendo system behind the SNES and NES.

  2. Wait a second...Nintendo...Nintendo ISN'T flawless? Nooooooooo! This isn't possible! I don't believe it! This can't be happening! EVERYTHING IS LIES!

    But seriously? You bring up a lot of good points, and even if I still have a lot of faith in/respect for Nintendo, even an optimist like me can't ignore the missteps they've made over the years. (I've got a buddy who's STILL mad at Nintendo for ending their E3 conference on Nintendo Land, and I can't blame him -- it's like ending a Broadway show with a fart into a megaphone.)

    Honestly, though, if I had to choose one console out of the new three -- under penalty of death or something -- it would be the Wii U. It's like choosing the lesser of three evils in this case; there's no telling how the Wii U will do in the long run, but considering that press conference Nintendo had that announced a handful of spiffy new games, I'l like to think (or at least hope) they've learned a slew of lessons from the Wii. You know how it is -- baby steps forward, crawl before you can walk, etc.

    Then again, I could end up eating my words and looking like a fool before the year's even done. But I'd like to think that Nintendo can win back the hearts of gamers everywhere. I wouldn't be the "Eternal Optimist" if I didn't.

  3. I think you make a lot of valid points here. I don't necessarily feel that their first party franchises are soulless - though they don't quite resonate with me the way they used to either. Still, the first party franchises are really the primary reasons I still play the Wii or 3DS (though some decent RPG's have helped from 3rd party developers). The consoles... I dunno. I realize a lot of people flocked to the Wii, but it just never quite connected with me or my family I guess. Good article. :)

  4. Nintendo is a great company, but they've been coasting for a while. The Mario games have gone so far past the original they're barely Mario anymore.

  5. I have to politely disagree about new super mario brothers. I've finally dusted off my Wii U and spent some quality time with it enough to beat it (though not at 100% completion). And it remains solid.

    Not dynamic and new I suppose but when you enforce 'rules' upon yourself the stages become just as maddening as the old ones. Maddening in a good way I mean. Also, while I haven't done so myself other than a few stages. Speed-running stages makes them much much more challenging.

    The 'easier' part of the game is merely subjective. Star coins can be gotten one at a time, checkpoints are forgiving, and power ups make certain stages cake. Also, when have boss fights ever been hard in Mario games? The real challenge lies in the hidden stages and the dreaded star levels of Mario World.

    I think your points would be better bolstered by examples. As I can name several individual stages in NSMB 1, 2 and U that made me nod in mild impress, ones that took me upwards of 20 lives to three coin. Throttle your cynicism a little, and apply some cold hard logic. These arguments can be applied to the game market in general, and while right... it's nothing unique to Nintendo. In fact, they are the lesser evil when it comes to the points you make.

    Opinions, yeah. I get that. Facts. People bring their hand to their chin nod and say: "Yeah. Good point. I never noticed that."

  6. Your last statement confuses me. This is obviously my opinion. What are these facts you speak of? I'm not trying to wow any body, these are just my thoughts.

    Though we may disagree, I still respect the fact that you posted your feelings towards it. Thanks for providing your point of view(most people wouldn't).

    You're a good guy in my book.

  7. Spot on. I could see how my final point was misleading since I used the word 'fact'. I enjoyed the article because it was heartfelt. I think it would carry additional weight with some solid examples. Not that the article was devoid of it:

    " I'm assuming they were trying to captured the NES days of Mario and think that by making an identical game..."

    That part right there made me stop and think. It made me realize 'hey this guy has a good point!' It also provoked thought that it's sort of nintendo's shtick.

    That said. The core of the article was fun and made me glad I read it. I only offered that 'complaint' because I like the cut of your gib. In my personal opinion I'd like to hear more about what things dissapoint you regarding Nintendo, and other things!

  8. I agree, and disagree with some of you points. Here's a few...

    "First off, these stupid, absolutely SOULLESS “New” Super Mario Bros games."

    I agree that New Super Mario Bros. U, at least from my initial playthrough, could perhaps fall into the "SOULLESS" category. New Super Mario Bros. Wii though, it was a great game for a few reasons:

    1) Doing the local cooperatively play very well.

    2) The best ending battle in a Mario title for me. I think it's the best one out of all the Mario games to date (at least the ones I have played and beaten).

    "4. Nintendo's cult like fan base."

    I don't disagree, but I think this applies to all the consoles. While there are cult fans for all, I think there are also cult haters for all. It's like there can't be a balance, for some reason.

    "5. Nintendo's console ideas."

    I enjoyed the Wii, and games that used the motion controls well. I enjoyed FPS games on it particularly.

    As for the Wii U, I honestly hope that the next MS/Sony consoles steal the GamePad idea. DAY ONE. I really like it. Why?
    As a parent with 2 young ones, being able to play a game like a game like Black Ops 2 online, while one watches Netflix (maybe both) and the other is using the PC , is awesome.

  9. The problem is, you didn't give any valid arguments to your rant. Mario Galaxy, accoring to you, is just retarded. And no actual fact is given as to why. Windwaker is shitty because of cel-shaded graphics. Really? You're just retarded.

  10. Hmm, I guess it's a good thing that this is just my opinion and in no way is this presented as factual. But thanks for being the clear example to reason #4 and thanks for the comment!

  11. Shit, I remember when I bought a Wii. Sold it to my in-laws not 3 months later. So pointless. Though I would like to try Xenoblade and The Last Story. Wind Waker, was whatevs to me. My wife likes it a bit more than I do. My favorite is still Twilight Princess.

    I can see why people are getting sick of the same old formula w/ Zelda games:

    Hey, Link, go do these three intro dungeons. Cool, all done? Here's a semi-major plot point and the Master Sword, now go do six more actual dungeons. Cool, all done? Here's another plot point. Now, go fight this mysterious final boss. Btw did we tell you it's Ganon? Cool, cuz it totally isn't. Oh yeah, don't forget to save Zelda and get stuck in the friendzone... AGAIN!!!

    For me I don't mind it too much. I hardly play games that much outside of SF anymore so having that little bit a familiarity carry over from game to game doesn't bother me. Granted if I were to get hella hype over this shit like I do with Metal Gear or Resident Evil I'd be pissed (looking at you RE5).

  12. lol I agree with this 100%